Porn as trauma

Fr Sean Kilcawley made a powerful statement that struck me a few months ago.  I don't have the exact quote, but here it is simplified: viewing pornography is traumatic.  I got to thinking about what we normally think of as traumas: car accidents, sexual assault, physical abuse, etc.  These are intense breaches of the human person that are life threatening, how is porn traumatic?  

There are such things as 'little t' traumas.  These are events in life that shut you down, inflict shame, distort the way you see reality.  A critical parent, being bullied, a dad abandoning the family, a sibling intimidating you; these are all in the category of a little t trauma.  

Where is porn on this scale?  First of all, trauma is somewhat subjective as no two people exposed to the same trauma will respond the same.  But if trauma is “from an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening and that has lasting adverse effects on the individual’s functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being” (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration [SAMHSA], 2012, p. 7), then porn seems to fit the first half and second half of the definition.  The first half: men and women feel shame after they watch porn.  This is emotionally harmful.  (See fightthenewdrug.org)

Second, I'm continued to be baffled by the research and experience in my office as a counselor as to what men and women have gone through when they have been exposed to or continue to pursue viewing pornography.  There are links to depression, anxiety, shame, relationship conflict, betrayal trauma inflicted on the partner/spouse and several other symptoms that have 'lasting adverse effects.'

  

Porn is explicit images that are intended to be erotic to lure the consumer to view and act out, typically by masturbating.  This cheapens the human person and the act of sex to a commodity of use.  This is a breach of the integrity of the human person.  If trauma is emotionally harmful and has lasting adverse effects, then according to the research on porn use, it's traumatic to view it and consume it.  

To Know or Be Known

This is an article written by one of the Center for Healing's Therapists, Chris Ellman, MSW, LCSW.  He has been working with the Center for about a year and a half now, doing great work with married couples and individuals.  His contact information is christopher.ellman@gmail.com

To Know or Be Known

"We all love to know things, don't we? Whether it's the stats on our favorite athletes, the latest gossip on social media, or the latest political debacle. Not only to we love to know things, we're even rewarded for it by our education system. The more we know, the smarter and more important we feel. But where is the risk in simply gathering facts? 

All the facts and things we know don't have a way of making judgments about us. We feel safe when we keep our relationships fact-based; this makes it easier for us to make judgments about others and ourselves. In his book, Anatomy of the Soul, Dr. Curt Thompson points out that these types of judgments also have a way of reducing our anxiety and increasing our feelings of protection and safety. However, when we limit our relationships in this way, we also become more isolated. 

On the other hand, what happens when we allow ourselves to be know by others? This can be more than just a little scary. When we open ourselves up to be known by another, we make ourselves vulnerable to the other. The risk in being known is that we allow the other to make judgments about us and effect us. By doing so, we give others permission to either reject us or love us. In order to be known, we have to trust the other with our self. Being vulnerable and allowing the other to truly know us is also the pathway to better knowing ourselves. 

When my clients take that risk of opening themselves up to being known, it is in that moment that the Lord's grace floods in and their healing truly begins."

Peace,

Chris Ellman, MSW, LCSW

Understanding Hidden Trauma

This is a post in regards to underlying issues that can foster a sexual addiction.  Many times, we as men want tools, the 12 steps and the ways to 'fix' the problem; however understanding our past might be more important than combating lust up front.  The latter is important, however the healing takes place through working on the past...

Understanding Hidden Trauma

I write this column to reflect on my experience of clients who don't have a clear cut trauma, who wonder where their symptoms and pain come from and who wrestle with the hope that healing is possible.

Trauma is typically and understandably thought of as a horrific event that happens which alters life.  This is true.  However what about the building blocks of life that are supposed to happen that don't?  What if love and affection were consistently withheld?  What if a critical parent berated you daily over your character or looks?  Many times unbearable loneliness is a foundation for childhood.  These are all in the secret and often hard to identify.

Bessel van der Kolk in his book 'The Body Keeps the Score' (2014), notices that the effects of childhood abuse are similar to those who have been neglected, lost, criticized in a toxic way or left alone.  This helps explain why symptoms of 'hands on' abuse often look similar to emotional neglect such as the father wound of absence or the mother wound of shaming.  If some of this rings true to you, don't underestimate the power of what psychologists (Dr. Todd Bowman) call the 'little t' effect.   

After discovering and naming some of these 'little t' traumas, a client typically sees how alone they have been, at least internally.  The main question I would ask fits with the antidote for loneliness: what are your defenses to allowing someone in?  Minimizing, suppressing, anger and story telling are only a few blocks to receiving love.  What maneuvers are in your tool set to keep people at bay, especially the ones you love?  They probably served you well at the time of the pain (ie childhood), but now they are outdated.

The accumulation of small traumas over the years add up.  You are worth God's love for you.  You are worth the affection and compliments your loved ones want to give you.  You are worth receiving that you are lovable. 

My House Promo Video

Here is a new video put together by the My House Workshop Team...spread the word!

The beggar...

I drive by Catholic Charities on 9th and Main Street in downtown KC on my way into work in the mornings.  This morning at 7am, there was a large tarp/blanket at the front doors with a bulge underneath.  It clearly was a poor person waiting for the doors to open so he could receive services; whether that be food, clothing, shelter...or maybe friendship, someone to listen to him or help him with his problems.

This man (or woman) had courage and humility that struck me deep.  He placed himself at the doorsteps of the 'church' so someone would notice.  This transition I'm making in the next paragraph might seem like a stretch, but spiritually it makes perfect sense as so many Americans are poor psychologically and spiritually...

There is a different phenomenon I'm seeing with receiving help for pornography/sexual issues.  There are 'business' cards in the confessionals of most Catholic Churches in KC, MO.  These cards have a hotline number on them to reach out for help with sexual problems, such as pornography.  It connects them to therapy and support groups.  I often receive notices from the priests that they have run out of cards.  The priest gives absolution then often hands the confessor a card, encouraging him/her to reach out.  Here's the problem...the phone remains silent.   This hotline number receives about one call per month.  

Thus, hundreds of cards are out there...and men aren't taking the next step to make the call.  They may not end up under a tarp at Catholic Charities, but the shame, hiding and sexual brokenness become that blanket.  

It's important to define sexual brokenness, addiction and a pornography problem.  Making that call doesn't mean you're a pervert or bad person like "that other guy."  It means you're knocking on the door for help because you can't fix it or control it yourself.  The next blog will define these terms in more detail to help you decipher how serious the problem is...

Turning the tables...

A father was going through his 13 year old son's phone and noticed pornography through youtube videos.  It was graphic.  He had looked at a slew of videos and now the father had a tough conversation ahead of him.  He sat down his son, showed him the titles of a few of the videos on his son's phone and the son broke down in defensiveness and tears.  He made several concerning comments, one being: "You hate me and you're going to yell at me."  The other one being, "I'm a bad kid, I know I'm so bad."  The father's response, "Son, that's not me sending you those kind of messages, it's the porn."

What if his father hadn't caught him?  Where would these two shame messages lead?  They would lead to one of the four beliefs of an addict: I'm basically a bad and worthless person, worthy of no one's love.

This sets the son up for a spiritual wound as well, stating that God will never love him if he is this bad of a person.  Hiding, secrecy and shame all create a sort of petri dish of bacteria where the soul suffers alone.  If God walked in on this boy, He would scoff at him, walk out and never come back in (says the lie).

This couldn't be further from the truth.  Jesus wants us in right relationship with Himself and others.  He wants us to have life abundantly.  This will cost, and sacrifices will need to be endured.  However Jesus wants the truth.  Thus, He'd walk right into that room where the boy is viewing pornography, slam shut the computer, turn over the table and look at the teenage boy with an intense gaze.  Then He'd state, "I'm sorry you saw this, I'm here for you, I love you.  You are a great son of the Father.  Come with me and sin no more."

Allow Jesus into the sin.  Give him that space in the temptation.  Make eye contact with Him.  In this way, freedom begins...

What every man needs to know about emotions...

I was recently talking to my 4 year old little girl and she looked right at me and said, "Daddy, why does Uncle Henry (made up name) seem so lonely?  He's always sad and doesn't seem happy.  Maybe I should buy him a puppy.  He needs to smile more..."

I try to reply but am thinking to myself, "Does any guy admit when he is lonely?"  

My little girl saw this emotion and called it out.  She's clearly in tune and sometimes tells me when she feels lonely.  Yes the brain science shows that women tend towards the right brain and are more emotionally intelligent.  But us men are emotional creatures too.  Are we in touch?

Porn is an epidemic and a health risk.  It hijacks the brain and sends the moral foundation of the user into a gray/dark area.  The stats are out there...

But behind every unhealthy behavior is a healthy desire.  What need is not being met and not being given away that porn is soothing, comforting and minimizing?  Here's a list of a few needs...

Capable, loved, included, understood, affirmed, received, accepted, chosen, interior strength, etc...

So let's be simple and name this plan:

1. Identify and feel the negative emotion.

2. Name the unmet need.

3. Pursue the need in a healthy way.

4.  Give away this need to others.

Check out the link for parents as a Battle Plan to help boys pursue healthy, integrated sexuality.

KC Star article on pornography

It's out.

The Kansas City Star recently published an article on the effects of pornography on society...the negative effects.  With 40 years of clear scientific research, we can say with confidence that porn is harming the actors in the films and the consumers.

Two points are interesting to me.  The article refers to the public relations 'department' of the porn industry and how powerful it is.  Who are these people and what arguments are they making to refute the evidence?  They have made blanket statements such as, "the evidence just isn't there," however no stats or reasonable rebuttals to back up their claim.

Second, the comparison to cigarettes and the denial between the link of smoking and lung cancer fits perfectly.  Instead of an in your face consequence such as death from cigarettes, now it's a sort of death of the brain, relationship and love.  Male brains are shaped in such a way from pornography that they believe in the rape myth, that women actually like the brutality of it.  In my counseling practice, I see broken relationships because the woman is angry and feels inadequate while the man doesn't know how to stop (addiction).  There is a link and it needs to be posted as big bold letters like on the side of a cigarette carton: this will cause relationship disturbance and addiction.  

The question now is: what are we really looking for as a society?  Soft core porn in the past is now nothing, while hard core porn from the past is the new soft core.  The increase of tolerance is staggering, as the article will prove.  What is this craving that porn can't fill?  What is the desire of our heart that porn is missing the mark at?

God, our hearts are restless until they rest in you.

http://www.kansascity.com/news/nation-world/national/article71156087.html#fmp

Playboy

Playboy seems to have made a more conservative move...they are no longer using nudity in their magazines.  However Luke Gilkerson of Covenant Eyes points out that there is no innocence involved.  The magazine will now be more like Maxim and the values are entry level to pornography use.  The disturbing part of this article is the research done on children by Hef's hero Dr. Alfred Kinsey.

Make sure your children are protected online.  Watch for signs such as sexual acting out, masturbation or depression.  Have that talk with your teen about sex.  Remember, it's not that we don't like sex as Catholics, it's that we love it, celebrate it and desire it in the context of marriage.  Porn shows too little and cheapens it, as Gilkerson says below...

http://www.covenanteyes.com/2015/10/15/why-playboy-is-saying-goodbye-to-nude-photos-and-why-i-have-mixed-feeling-about-that/?utm_campaign=pure-minds-online&utm_source=hs_email&utm_medium=email&utm_content=23031403&_hsenc=p2ANqtz--8mx8nqSvzlr_mCVCqWJqNywpTeDw2SQvNL4yV6rRutlxUkFTeuZRVrXL_9DjddTXlTiCYiqdle3U2Miy5JrcY0Rs0Lw&_hsmi=23031404

Reclaim

Here is a link to an awesome resource for the brain science of pornography, overcoming unhealthy sexual habits as well as an online recovery program.  Check it out!

http://reclaimsexualhealth.com/

The role of Play

My four year old is  like a monster on the tee-ball field.  He goes after every ball, he makes unnecessary diving plays and throws it to whatever base he feels.  He smiles, he laughs and it is clear he loves the game.  But what if he missed out on this?  What would the family dynamics possibly look like?

Have you missed out on play?  The literature is out that many who struggle with pornography and sexual addiction grew up in dysfunctional families of origin (Carnes, 1998).  There might have been a culture of perfectionism in the home, no mistakes could be made and if they were, criticism was showered.  Sometimes a sibling had to take on the role of parenting the little ones, leaving little room for the imagination and a serious sense of responsibility.  These families might look rigid, disengaged and emotionally distant (Carnes, 1998).  This teaches a little one not to be vulnerable, not to take a risk, some of the key facets to play.  

Adolescence hits and the need for play might come out in rebellion or the use of drugs to "let loose" and have a "good time" that they rarely experienced as a kid.  Kids have so much energy!  Psychology has shown that repressed emotions come out in some form or another.  More than likely, in a dysfunctional family, this energy comes out in an unhealthy way at some point.

Don't be worried if some of this description fits you.  You can still learn how to play but you'll  have to be creative, make time and will it.  It won't come natural and your need to control and fear of reprisal will surface.  But push through, play with your kids, your spouse.  Get into softball, acting or some recreation you've always wanted to do.  We all have that kid inside of us...

Denial

What is the function of denial?  Many men come into therapy with a certain level of defensiveness.  They have been caught with pornography, it has been a habit (hidden) and now their wife knows.  The husband doesn't want to lose the marriage, thus out of duty he pursues help.  A whole host of reasons make up denial, but protecting shame is one of the strongest.

After watching pornography, one clicks the red 'X' and the screen turns blank.  He is alone and just acted out.  Thousands of other men  have looked at the same pics and videos.  There is a psycho-spiritual element.  The devil accuses and the mind accepts, setting up a man for a myriad of core beliefs from worthlessness to inadequacy.  He then puts them in a box, deletes the history on the computer...however as everyone knows, that history is still there and accessible.  This compartmentalized box needs to be protected with 'passwords' such as defensiveness, anger, high levels of exercise, food or unhealthy work hours.  Shame is the devils work and the mind's field of play.

Shame is a hard emotion to face.  But the path to freedom is through it.  It's the addict's scourge, crown of thorns and cross.  Face the shame with Christ and remember what follows death...the resurrection.


Michael Ciaccio MS, LPC, SATP

How safe is your family? New survey tests the spiritual health of your home

Just how safe is your home?  Does your family have good practices to develop a healthy and safe environment for your children?  Do you have a game plan and if so, is it good enough?  What will you do if one of your children is exposed to pornography?

A new confidential survey is available online with the Diocese of Kansas City - St. Joseph, My House Initiative.  Participants who complete the survey will have their input reviewed confidentially and the results will be returned with personalized recommendations.
What are your waiting for?  The spiritual health of your family may depend on this.
Take the survey here.

Disclosure

Many couples come to me presenting the classic,  now frequent case, of a wife finding out about her husband's pornography use.  A 'dance' starts between the couple, and the inner, or sometimes quite vocal, dialogue might look like this:

Wife: "I knew something was going on.  I could feel it, he was checked out.  I confronted him several times but he denied, defended and almost blamed it on me.  I started to feel crazy, like I had the problem.  Something was missing in the relationship, I was protesting, trying to figure it out but he always put me off.  Now I know.  Here's what I don't know: how often did he look, was there an affair, was he in chat rooms on the internet, how often did he think about it, what was he thinking about in the restaurant that one time when he was staring at the waitress...I have so many questions I don't know where to begin."

Husband: "I can't lose her, I'll do anything.  It didn't have much to do with her, I brought this into the marriage.  She takes it so personally but I just looked at porn to get a high.  My wife is still attractive to me.  It wasn't that I was looking for someone more attractive, I just needed  to relieve stress.  Now when she looks at me I see the hurt, the betrayal.  I can't bare it.  And all the questions!  How do I answer them.  She has way too many.  We just need to move forward and let this go.   It won't happen again."

Professional help is needed at this point.  The first step is disclosure.  A quality therapist will prepare the husband to answer her questions while working with the wife to take in the 'waves' of pain that will inevitably come with the truth.  She needs to prepare her questions ahead of time, work on coping skills to manage feelings and have the goal of forgiveness, as hard as that word can be.  The husband cannot engage in 'dribble' disclosure or giving pieces and parts of his problem in a several week span.  It needs to be a concise, one time owning up.

Then he can become the hero to win her back, it's in his hands.  The next step is working on triggers...to be continued.

References: "Shattered Vows," Laaser (2008); "Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction," Laaser (2004)

Wake up call for parents... what is it doing to kids?

If you ask people who work in crime prevention and law enforcement if there is a connection between the increase in availability, use, and hardcore nature of pornography to the increase in sexual abuse of children and sex crimes they will almost unanimously say that the link is obvious.  Serious peer-review research has been done on the subject and you might read it here along with a host of other research articles on the subject of the harms of pornography.

The simple fact is kids (or anyone) exposed to pornography are more inclined to act out in a way that mimics what they have seen.  Today, the majority of the pornography readily available for free on the internet contains violent content.  Should parents be concerned about what their kids could be seeing on their own phone or ipod?  What about a friend's device?

A news story out of Wichita, KS serves as a wake up call for parents who are not yet concerned about this issue.  In the news story about a 13 year old suspected of abusing younger children they draw the connection (from law enforcement) and they also outline signs of possible abuse that parents should watch for.  Parents: are you on high alert yet?

Unfortunately we don't yet have anyone in politics talking like the Prime Minister of the U.K. did almost 2 years ago about this subject.  Let us pray for our leaders, for those who protect us in law enforcement, and get to work protecting our own kids and speaking out to protect all of the children in our society.

If you don't have software on your computer to help keep your kids safe I recommend that you check out Covenant Eyes or another monitoring and blocking service.

Recent Media Takes on the Problem of Porn

In the past few months there has been a higher than usual volume of media sources that are talking about the problems that porn is causing to people who use it.  It is being talked about as an addiction, which it often is, and it is being talked about as a harm (which it most certainly is).

Here are a few of the most notable examples.  (Warning, some of the videos contain brief graphic scenes that are not for the young, nor for those for whom it may be a trigger!)

First we have actor Russell Brand's rant about 50 Shades of Grey and his observation (from his own personal experience) that porn use is messing up his ability to be intimate.  Admitting his compulsive behavior he says, "I feel like if I had total dominion over myself I would never look at pornography again."  He calls the atmosphere today one where we are "surrounded by, just, icebergs of filth, floating through every house on wi-fi.  It's inconceivable what it must be like to be a young adolescent boy now with this kind of access to porn."  "Pornography is not something I like. It's not something I have been able to make a long term commitment to not looking at and it's effecting my ability to relate to women, to relate to myself, to relate to my own sexuality, my spirituality."

Next, we have the ABC Nightline expose, "The Struggle of Overcoming an All-Consuming Porn Addiction." Unfortunately this video highlights emerging technology that is being used to make porn even more addictive and accessible to young people.  However, it also allows a married couple to speak the truth about the situation and be honest about how devastating it is for a marriage.

After discovering his porn problem that he had been hiding from her for years...
"With her trust shattered, Lyschel became obsessed with her husband’s daily activities.

'I was checking histories on computers. Quizzing him on where he’s been,' she said. 'I’m grilling him with a hundred thousand questions -- wondering you know...is he again lying to me.'

'My husband’s addiction became my addiction,' Lyschel added. 'It started to consume me.'"

The article/video goes on to point out the very essence of the "debate" about whether porn use is bad for people or not.

"Porn addiction is a hotly debated topic. Roughly 43 percent of online users view web pages with pornographic content, according to Internet Pornography Statistics, and it can also impact relationships. In a 2003 survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, more than half of the 350 divorce attorneys interviewed said the Internet played a 'significant role' in divorces in the past year, and that online porn contributed to half of these cases."

Our answer at the My House Initiative: clearly you can tell fruit is rotten if it makes those who eat it sick and miserable.  One can also tell if something is addictive if people can't stop themselves from using.

You can get help.  Find a professional or join a group.  In Kansas City, call our helpline and get started on a new path that leads to freedom, self-control, and healing. 816-808-6544.

Unfiltered video now available to view online

The good people at Covenant Eyes produced an excellent video resource last year titled Unfiltered.  We have been getting the DVD version in the hands of parents and other educators so that they can be well informed about the challenges we face from the increase in the use of technology by young people and the availability of pornography.

Good news! The video can now be viewed online for free.

The video with parent's guide can still be obtained at minimal cost by contacting the My House helpline.  That version is very helpful for playing at informal gatherings of parents.  You may have made your home safe, but if your kids spend time at other homes your efforts may be largely ineffective if those homes remain unfiltered.  Please contact us if we can help you spread this message among your friends, your kid's friends and your neighbors.

Have you read the latest statements from bishops on the problem of porn?

Here are some links to some recent articles and statements from our bishops on the issue of pornography.

From Bishop Paul Loverde: "Bought With A Price"
http://www.arlingtondiocese.org/uploadedFiles/Library/docs/Communications/Letters_from_Bishop_Loverde/Bought_with_a_Price.pdf

Great summary article about "Bought With A Price" at the First Things website:
http://www.firstthings.com/web-exclusives/2014/03/let-the-battle-for-purity-begin

An interview from the National Catholic Register on efforts in various areas:
http://www.ncregister.com/daily-news/catholic-ministries-combat-pornography/

From Bishop Robert W. Finn: "Blessed Are the Pure In Heart"
http://www.diocese-kcsj.org/_docs/Pastoral-02-07.pdf

Prayer and the moral life

Jesus is the reason that there is a connection between prayer and the moral life.  In fact, the Catechism of the Catholic Church calls the section that includes the teachings on morality "Life in Christ" and the section on prayer "Christian Prayer."  The names for each of these sections reveal the common denominator, Christ.

Christian prayer is prayer that is unlike the prayer of any other religion precisely because it is marked with the character of Jesus Christ.  The Christian prays following the model of Jesus, in His name, and in the power of the Holy Spirit whom Christ has given as a gift.  The Catechism calls the Holy Spirit "is the interior master of Christian prayer" (Catechism 2672).  Christian prayer is the expression of our relationship with God and his holy ones.  It is our interaction with and response to the mysteries of our faith, revealed by the God who created us and loves us.  The mystery of faith "requires that the faithful believe in it (Creed), that they celebrate it (Sacraments), and that they live from it in a vital and personal relationship with the living and true God.  This relationship is prayer" (Catechism 2558).  This is a view of the Christian life in which prayer permeates the entirely of the expression of our life of faith.

Here we arrive at the connection between prayer and morality.  The Christian is not called to live a moral life simply in order to do his duty or live without breaking God's rules for the sake of not breaking rules.  Rather, the Christian seeks the Lord Jesus and responds to the guidance and inspiration of the Holy Spirit and therefore seeks to live a life of holiness in order to grow in this relationship.  Our motivation and the source of our ability to live in holiness is one and the same, the Holy Spirit.  He is both the master of our life of prayer and "the interior Master of life according to Christ, a gentle guest and friend who inspires, guides, corrects, and strengthens this life" (Catechism 1679).

It is normal for Christians to struggle in the moral life, especially in the area of chastity.  Our answer should not be to despair, nor to consider the effort one that depends merely on our own effort.  Rather, we ought to recommit ourselves to prayer.  Progress in the moral life is directly related to our progress in prayer.  Overcoming temptation is not merely an exercise in human effort.  Divine help is on offer and is the difference that makes purity and chastity possible.

I offer a traditional prayer for your consideration.  You may find it helpful to say it many times a day whenever you are faced with temptation or situations that may trigger acting our in sexual sin.

Prayer for Purity of Mind and Body

Lord, set aflame my heart and my entire being with the fire of the Holy Spirit, that I may serve you with chaste body and pure mind. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

Step one

"We admitted that we were powerless over our sexual addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable."  This is the first step in any twelve step group.  "We admitted" - it's so hard to come forth with the truth at times, especially when the truth is of a painful or shameful nature.  But when we admit to our faults and weaknesses, a spiritual element is unlocked that taps into a psychological faculty.  First, our will or ability to choose (spiritual) becomes realized.  The truth will set you free to choose the good.  Second, our ability to feel emotion and think rationally (psychological) is strengthened.  The addiction numbs the emotion and one rationalizes the need for the substance (sexual, alcohol, etc.).  Lies are created, secrets are made and a separate life is compartmentalized.  In brief, addiction weakens the will, darkens the intellect and numbs emotions.

Admitting that one is powerless does not mean one is useless or surrenders to the enemy.  Instead, one is powerless over the substance, seeing that life has become unmanageable.  When life in unmanageable, division is created within oneself, one's family and friendships.  

Admit to the truth...and it will set you free.  The My House Men's Group is there for you.