Disclosure

Many couples come to me presenting the classic,  now frequent case, of a wife finding out about her husband's pornography use.  A 'dance' starts between the couple, and the inner, or sometimes quite vocal, dialogue might look like this:

Wife: "I knew something was going on.  I could feel it, he was checked out.  I confronted him several times but he denied, defended and almost blamed it on me.  I started to feel crazy, like I had the problem.  Something was missing in the relationship, I was protesting, trying to figure it out but he always put me off.  Now I know.  Here's what I don't know: how often did he look, was there an affair, was he in chat rooms on the internet, how often did he think about it, what was he thinking about in the restaurant that one time when he was staring at the waitress...I have so many questions I don't know where to begin."

Husband: "I can't lose her, I'll do anything.  It didn't have much to do with her, I brought this into the marriage.  She takes it so personally but I just looked at porn to get a high.  My wife is still attractive to me.  It wasn't that I was looking for someone more attractive, I just needed  to relieve stress.  Now when she looks at me I see the hurt, the betrayal.  I can't bare it.  And all the questions!  How do I answer them.  She has way too many.  We just need to move forward and let this go.   It won't happen again."

Professional help is needed at this point.  The first step is disclosure.  A quality therapist will prepare the husband to answer her questions while working with the wife to take in the 'waves' of pain that will inevitably come with the truth.  She needs to prepare her questions ahead of time, work on coping skills to manage feelings and have the goal of forgiveness, as hard as that word can be.  The husband cannot engage in 'dribble' disclosure or giving pieces and parts of his problem in a several week span.  It needs to be a concise, one time owning up.

Then he can become the hero to win her back, it's in his hands.  The next step is working on triggers...to be continued.

References: "Shattered Vows," Laaser (2008); "Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction," Laaser (2004)

Wake up call for parents... what is it doing to kids?

If you ask people who work in crime prevention and law enforcement if there is a connection between the increase in availability, use, and hardcore nature of pornography to the increase in sexual abuse of children and sex crimes they will almost unanimously say that the link is obvious.  Serious peer-review research has been done on the subject and you might read it here along with a host of other research articles on the subject of the harms of pornography.

The simple fact is kids (or anyone) exposed to pornography are more inclined to act out in a way that mimics what they have seen.  Today, the majority of the pornography readily available for free on the internet contains violent content.  Should parents be concerned about what their kids could be seeing on their own phone or ipod?  What about a friend's device?

A news story out of Wichita, KS serves as a wake up call for parents who are not yet concerned about this issue.  In the news story about a 13 year old suspected of abusing younger children they draw the connection (from law enforcement) and they also outline signs of possible abuse that parents should watch for.  Parents: are you on high alert yet?

Unfortunately we don't yet have anyone in politics talking like the Prime Minister of the U.K. did almost 2 years ago about this subject.  Let us pray for our leaders, for those who protect us in law enforcement, and get to work protecting our own kids and speaking out to protect all of the children in our society.

If you don't have software on your computer to help keep your kids safe I recommend that you check out Covenant Eyes or another monitoring and blocking service.

Recent Media Takes on the Problem of Porn

In the past few months there has been a higher than usual volume of media sources that are talking about the problems that porn is causing to people who use it.  It is being talked about as an addiction, which it often is, and it is being talked about as a harm (which it most certainly is).

Here are a few of the most notable examples.  (Warning, some of the videos contain brief graphic scenes that are not for the young, nor for those for whom it may be a trigger!)

First we have actor Russell Brand's rant about 50 Shades of Grey and his observation (from his own personal experience) that porn use is messing up his ability to be intimate.  Admitting his compulsive behavior he says, "I feel like if I had total dominion over myself I would never look at pornography again."  He calls the atmosphere today one where we are "surrounded by, just, icebergs of filth, floating through every house on wi-fi.  It's inconceivable what it must be like to be a young adolescent boy now with this kind of access to porn."  "Pornography is not something I like. It's not something I have been able to make a long term commitment to not looking at and it's effecting my ability to relate to women, to relate to myself, to relate to my own sexuality, my spirituality."

Next, we have the ABC Nightline expose, "The Struggle of Overcoming an All-Consuming Porn Addiction." Unfortunately this video highlights emerging technology that is being used to make porn even more addictive and accessible to young people.  However, it also allows a married couple to speak the truth about the situation and be honest about how devastating it is for a marriage.

After discovering his porn problem that he had been hiding from her for years...
"With her trust shattered, Lyschel became obsessed with her husband’s daily activities.

'I was checking histories on computers. Quizzing him on where he’s been,' she said. 'I’m grilling him with a hundred thousand questions -- wondering you know...is he again lying to me.'

'My husband’s addiction became my addiction,' Lyschel added. 'It started to consume me.'"

The article/video goes on to point out the very essence of the "debate" about whether porn use is bad for people or not.

"Porn addiction is a hotly debated topic. Roughly 43 percent of online users view web pages with pornographic content, according to Internet Pornography Statistics, and it can also impact relationships. In a 2003 survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, more than half of the 350 divorce attorneys interviewed said the Internet played a 'significant role' in divorces in the past year, and that online porn contributed to half of these cases."

Our answer at the My House Initiative: clearly you can tell fruit is rotten if it makes those who eat it sick and miserable.  One can also tell if something is addictive if people can't stop themselves from using.

You can get help.  Find a professional or join a group.  In Kansas City, call our helpline and get started on a new path that leads to freedom, self-control, and healing. 816-808-6544.

Unfiltered video now available to view online

The good people at Covenant Eyes produced an excellent video resource last year titled Unfiltered.  We have been getting the DVD version in the hands of parents and other educators so that they can be well informed about the challenges we face from the increase in the use of technology by young people and the availability of pornography.

Good news! The video can now be viewed online for free.

The video with parent's guide can still be obtained at minimal cost by contacting the My House helpline.  That version is very helpful for playing at informal gatherings of parents.  You may have made your home safe, but if your kids spend time at other homes your efforts may be largely ineffective if those homes remain unfiltered.  Please contact us if we can help you spread this message among your friends, your kid's friends and your neighbors.

Have you read the latest statements from bishops on the problem of porn?

Here are some links to some recent articles and statements from our bishops on the issue of pornography.

From Bishop Paul Loverde: "Bought With A Price"
http://www.arlingtondiocese.org/uploadedFiles/Library/docs/Communications/Letters_from_Bishop_Loverde/Bought_with_a_Price.pdf

Great summary article about "Bought With A Price" at the First Things website:
http://www.firstthings.com/web-exclusives/2014/03/let-the-battle-for-purity-begin

An interview from the National Catholic Register on efforts in various areas:
http://www.ncregister.com/daily-news/catholic-ministries-combat-pornography/

From Bishop Robert W. Finn: "Blessed Are the Pure In Heart"
http://www.diocese-kcsj.org/_docs/Pastoral-02-07.pdf

Prayer and the moral life

Jesus is the reason that there is a connection between prayer and the moral life.  In fact, the Catechism of the Catholic Church calls the section that includes the teachings on morality "Life in Christ" and the section on prayer "Christian Prayer."  The names for each of these sections reveal the common denominator, Christ.

Christian prayer is prayer that is unlike the prayer of any other religion precisely because it is marked with the character of Jesus Christ.  The Christian prays following the model of Jesus, in His name, and in the power of the Holy Spirit whom Christ has given as a gift.  The Catechism calls the Holy Spirit "is the interior master of Christian prayer" (Catechism 2672).  Christian prayer is the expression of our relationship with God and his holy ones.  It is our interaction with and response to the mysteries of our faith, revealed by the God who created us and loves us.  The mystery of faith "requires that the faithful believe in it (Creed), that they celebrate it (Sacraments), and that they live from it in a vital and personal relationship with the living and true God.  This relationship is prayer" (Catechism 2558).  This is a view of the Christian life in which prayer permeates the entirely of the expression of our life of faith.

Here we arrive at the connection between prayer and morality.  The Christian is not called to live a moral life simply in order to do his duty or live without breaking God's rules for the sake of not breaking rules.  Rather, the Christian seeks the Lord Jesus and responds to the guidance and inspiration of the Holy Spirit and therefore seeks to live a life of holiness in order to grow in this relationship.  Our motivation and the source of our ability to live in holiness is one and the same, the Holy Spirit.  He is both the master of our life of prayer and "the interior Master of life according to Christ, a gentle guest and friend who inspires, guides, corrects, and strengthens this life" (Catechism 1679).

It is normal for Christians to struggle in the moral life, especially in the area of chastity.  Our answer should not be to despair, nor to consider the effort one that depends merely on our own effort.  Rather, we ought to recommit ourselves to prayer.  Progress in the moral life is directly related to our progress in prayer.  Overcoming temptation is not merely an exercise in human effort.  Divine help is on offer and is the difference that makes purity and chastity possible.

I offer a traditional prayer for your consideration.  You may find it helpful to say it many times a day whenever you are faced with temptation or situations that may trigger acting our in sexual sin.

Prayer for Purity of Mind and Body

Lord, set aflame my heart and my entire being with the fire of the Holy Spirit, that I may serve you with chaste body and pure mind. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

Step one

"We admitted that we were powerless over our sexual addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable."  This is the first step in any twelve step group.  "We admitted" - it's so hard to come forth with the truth at times, especially when the truth is of a painful or shameful nature.  But when we admit to our faults and weaknesses, a spiritual element is unlocked that taps into a psychological faculty.  First, our will or ability to choose (spiritual) becomes realized.  The truth will set you free to choose the good.  Second, our ability to feel emotion and think rationally (psychological) is strengthened.  The addiction numbs the emotion and one rationalizes the need for the substance (sexual, alcohol, etc.).  Lies are created, secrets are made and a separate life is compartmentalized.  In brief, addiction weakens the will, darkens the intellect and numbs emotions.

Admitting that one is powerless does not mean one is useless or surrenders to the enemy.  Instead, one is powerless over the substance, seeing that life has become unmanageable.  When life in unmanageable, division is created within oneself, one's family and friendships.  

Admit to the truth...and it will set you free.  The My House Men's Group is there for you.