What every man needs to know about emotions...

I was recently talking to my 4 year old little girl and she looked right at me and said, "Daddy, why does Uncle Henry (made up name) seem so lonely?  He's always sad and doesn't seem happy.  Maybe I should buy him a puppy.  He needs to smile more..."

I try to reply but am thinking to myself, "Does any guy admit when he is lonely?"  

My little girl saw this emotion and called it out.  She's clearly in tune and sometimes tells me when she feels lonely.  Yes the brain science shows that women tend towards the right brain and are more emotionally intelligent.  But us men are emotional creatures too.  Are we in touch?

Porn is an epidemic and a health risk.  It hijacks the brain and sends the moral foundation of the user into a gray/dark area.  The stats are out there...

But behind every unhealthy behavior is a healthy desire.  What need is not being met and not being given away that porn is soothing, comforting and minimizing?  Here's a list of a few needs...

Capable, loved, included, understood, affirmed, received, accepted, chosen, interior strength, etc...

So let's be simple and name this plan:

1. Identify and feel the negative emotion.

2. Name the unmet need.

3. Pursue the need in a healthy way.

4.  Give away this need to others.

Check out the link for parents as a Battle Plan to help boys pursue healthy, integrated sexuality.

KC Star article on pornography

It's out.

The Kansas City Star recently published an article on the effects of pornography on society...the negative effects.  With 40 years of clear scientific research, we can say with confidence that porn is harming the actors in the films and the consumers.

Two points are interesting to me.  The article refers to the public relations 'department' of the porn industry and how powerful it is.  Who are these people and what arguments are they making to refute the evidence?  They have made blanket statements such as, "the evidence just isn't there," however no stats or reasonable rebuttals to back up their claim.

Second, the comparison to cigarettes and the denial between the link of smoking and lung cancer fits perfectly.  Instead of an in your face consequence such as death from cigarettes, now it's a sort of death of the brain, relationship and love.  Male brains are shaped in such a way from pornography that they believe in the rape myth, that women actually like the brutality of it.  In my counseling practice, I see broken relationships because the woman is angry and feels inadequate while the man doesn't know how to stop (addiction).  There is a link and it needs to be posted as big bold letters like on the side of a cigarette carton: this will cause relationship disturbance and addiction.  

The question now is: what are we really looking for as a society?  Soft core porn in the past is now nothing, while hard core porn from the past is the new soft core.  The increase of tolerance is staggering, as the article will prove.  What is this craving that porn can't fill?  What is the desire of our heart that porn is missing the mark at?

God, our hearts are restless until they rest in you.

http://www.kansascity.com/news/nation-world/national/article71156087.html#fmp

Playboy

Playboy seems to have made a more conservative move...they are no longer using nudity in their magazines.  However Luke Gilkerson of Covenant Eyes points out that there is no innocence involved.  The magazine will now be more like Maxim and the values are entry level to pornography use.  The disturbing part of this article is the research done on children by Hef's hero Dr. Alfred Kinsey.

Make sure your children are protected online.  Watch for signs such as sexual acting out, masturbation or depression.  Have that talk with your teen about sex.  Remember, it's not that we don't like sex as Catholics, it's that we love it, celebrate it and desire it in the context of marriage.  Porn shows too little and cheapens it, as Gilkerson says below...

http://www.covenanteyes.com/2015/10/15/why-playboy-is-saying-goodbye-to-nude-photos-and-why-i-have-mixed-feeling-about-that/?utm_campaign=pure-minds-online&utm_source=hs_email&utm_medium=email&utm_content=23031403&_hsenc=p2ANqtz--8mx8nqSvzlr_mCVCqWJqNywpTeDw2SQvNL4yV6rRutlxUkFTeuZRVrXL_9DjddTXlTiCYiqdle3U2Miy5JrcY0Rs0Lw&_hsmi=23031404

Reclaim

Here is a link to an awesome resource for the brain science of pornography, overcoming unhealthy sexual habits as well as an online recovery program.  Check it out!

http://reclaimsexualhealth.com/

The role of Play

My four year old is  like a monster on the tee-ball field.  He goes after every ball, he makes unnecessary diving plays and throws it to whatever base he feels.  He smiles, he laughs and it is clear he loves the game.  But what if he missed out on this?  What would the family dynamics possibly look like?

Have you missed out on play?  The literature is out that many who struggle with pornography and sexual addiction grew up in dysfunctional families of origin (Carnes, 1998).  There might have been a culture of perfectionism in the home, no mistakes could be made and if they were, criticism was showered.  Sometimes a sibling had to take on the role of parenting the little ones, leaving little room for the imagination and a serious sense of responsibility.  These families might look rigid, disengaged and emotionally distant (Carnes, 1998).  This teaches a little one not to be vulnerable, not to take a risk, some of the key facets to play.  

Adolescence hits and the need for play might come out in rebellion or the use of drugs to "let loose" and have a "good time" that they rarely experienced as a kid.  Kids have so much energy!  Psychology has shown that repressed emotions come out in some form or another.  More than likely, in a dysfunctional family, this energy comes out in an unhealthy way at some point.

Don't be worried if some of this description fits you.  You can still learn how to play but you'll  have to be creative, make time and will it.  It won't come natural and your need to control and fear of reprisal will surface.  But push through, play with your kids, your spouse.  Get into softball, acting or some recreation you've always wanted to do.  We all have that kid inside of us...

Denial

What is the function of denial?  Many men come into therapy with a certain level of defensiveness.  They have been caught with pornography, it has been a habit (hidden) and now their wife knows.  The husband doesn't want to lose the marriage, thus out of duty he pursues help.  A whole host of reasons make up denial, but protecting shame is one of the strongest.

After watching pornography, one clicks the red 'X' and the screen turns blank.  He is alone and just acted out.  Thousands of other men  have looked at the same pics and videos.  There is a psycho-spiritual element.  The devil accuses and the mind accepts, setting up a man for a myriad of core beliefs from worthlessness to inadequacy.  He then puts them in a box, deletes the history on the computer...however as everyone knows, that history is still there and accessible.  This compartmentalized box needs to be protected with 'passwords' such as defensiveness, anger, high levels of exercise, food or unhealthy work hours.  Shame is the devils work and the mind's field of play.

Shame is a hard emotion to face.  But the path to freedom is through it.  It's the addict's scourge, crown of thorns and cross.  Face the shame with Christ and remember what follows death...the resurrection.


Michael Ciaccio MS, LPC, SATP

How safe is your family? New survey tests the spiritual health of your home

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