The beggar...

I drive by Catholic Charities on 9th and Main Street in downtown KC on my way into work in the mornings.  This morning at 7am, there was a large tarp/blanket at the front doors with a bulge underneath.  It clearly was a poor person waiting for the doors to open so he could receive services; whether that be food, clothing, shelter...or maybe friendship, someone to listen to him or help him with his problems.

This man (or woman) had courage and humility that struck me deep.  He placed himself at the doorsteps of the 'church' so someone would notice.  This transition I'm making in the next paragraph might seem like a stretch, but spiritually it makes perfect sense as so many Americans are poor psychologically and spiritually...

There is a different phenomenon I'm seeing with receiving help for pornography/sexual issues.  There are 'business' cards in the confessionals of most Catholic Churches in KC, MO.  These cards have a hotline number on them to reach out for help with sexual problems, such as pornography.  It connects them to therapy and support groups.  I often receive notices from the priests that they have run out of cards.  The priest gives absolution then often hands the confessor a card, encouraging him/her to reach out.  Here's the problem...the phone remains silent.   This hotline number receives about one call per month.  

Thus, hundreds of cards are out there...and men aren't taking the next step to make the call.  They may not end up under a tarp at Catholic Charities, but the shame, hiding and sexual brokenness become that blanket.  

It's important to define sexual brokenness, addiction and a pornography problem.  Making that call doesn't mean you're a pervert or bad person like "that other guy."  It means you're knocking on the door for help because you can't fix it or control it yourself.  The next blog will define these terms in more detail to help you decipher how serious the problem is...

Turning the tables...

A father was going through his 13 year old son's phone and noticed pornography through youtube videos.  It was graphic.  He had looked at a slew of videos and now the father had a tough conversation ahead of him.  He sat down his son, showed him the titles of a few of the videos on his son's phone and the son broke down in defensiveness and tears.  He made several concerning comments, one being: "You hate me and you're going to yell at me."  The other one being, "I'm a bad kid, I know I'm so bad."  The father's response, "Son, that's not me sending you those kind of messages, it's the porn."

What if his father hadn't caught him?  Where would these two shame messages lead?  They would lead to one of the four beliefs of an addict: I'm basically a bad and worthless person, worthy of no one's love.

This sets the son up for a spiritual wound as well, stating that God will never love him if he is this bad of a person.  Hiding, secrecy and shame all create a sort of petri dish of bacteria where the soul suffers alone.  If God walked in on this boy, He would scoff at him, walk out and never come back in (says the lie).

This couldn't be further from the truth.  Jesus wants us in right relationship with Himself and others.  He wants us to have life abundantly.  This will cost, and sacrifices will need to be endured.  However Jesus wants the truth.  Thus, He'd walk right into that room where the boy is viewing pornography, slam shut the computer, turn over the table and look at the teenage boy with an intense gaze.  Then He'd state, "I'm sorry you saw this, I'm here for you, I love you.  You are a great son of the Father.  Come with me and sin no more."

Allow Jesus into the sin.  Give him that space in the temptation.  Make eye contact with Him.  In this way, freedom begins...

What every man needs to know about emotions...

I was recently talking to my 4 year old little girl and she looked right at me and said, "Daddy, why does Uncle Henry (made up name) seem so lonely?  He's always sad and doesn't seem happy.  Maybe I should buy him a puppy.  He needs to smile more..."

I try to reply but am thinking to myself, "Does any guy admit when he is lonely?"  

My little girl saw this emotion and called it out.  She's clearly in tune and sometimes tells me when she feels lonely.  Yes the brain science shows that women tend towards the right brain and are more emotionally intelligent.  But us men are emotional creatures too.  Are we in touch?

Porn is an epidemic and a health risk.  It hijacks the brain and sends the moral foundation of the user into a gray/dark area.  The stats are out there...

But behind every unhealthy behavior is a healthy desire.  What need is not being met and not being given away that porn is soothing, comforting and minimizing?  Here's a list of a few needs...

Capable, loved, included, understood, affirmed, received, accepted, chosen, interior strength, etc...

So let's be simple and name this plan:

1. Identify and feel the negative emotion.

2. Name the unmet need.

3. Pursue the need in a healthy way.

4.  Give away this need to others.

Check out the link for parents as a Battle Plan to help boys pursue healthy, integrated sexuality.

KC Star article on pornography

It's out.

The Kansas City Star recently published an article on the effects of pornography on society...the negative effects.  With 40 years of clear scientific research, we can say with confidence that porn is harming the actors in the films and the consumers.

Two points are interesting to me.  The article refers to the public relations 'department' of the porn industry and how powerful it is.  Who are these people and what arguments are they making to refute the evidence?  They have made blanket statements such as, "the evidence just isn't there," however no stats or reasonable rebuttals to back up their claim.

Second, the comparison to cigarettes and the denial between the link of smoking and lung cancer fits perfectly.  Instead of an in your face consequence such as death from cigarettes, now it's a sort of death of the brain, relationship and love.  Male brains are shaped in such a way from pornography that they believe in the rape myth, that women actually like the brutality of it.  In my counseling practice, I see broken relationships because the woman is angry and feels inadequate while the man doesn't know how to stop (addiction).  There is a link and it needs to be posted as big bold letters like on the side of a cigarette carton: this will cause relationship disturbance and addiction.  

The question now is: what are we really looking for as a society?  Soft core porn in the past is now nothing, while hard core porn from the past is the new soft core.  The increase of tolerance is staggering, as the article will prove.  What is this craving that porn can't fill?  What is the desire of our heart that porn is missing the mark at?

God, our hearts are restless until they rest in you.

http://www.kansascity.com/news/nation-world/national/article71156087.html#fmp